Rodney vs. Wife

The trouble with my wife is that she has a wait problem.
Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."

With my wife, our relationship is always on and off..
Every time I get on, she tells me to get off.

When I got divorced, that was group sex.
My wife screwed me in front of the jury.

If sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

I'm getting old. At my age, with sex I like a threesome.. in case one of us dies.

Why am I talking about sex for? I got no sex life; I'm old.
I tried a Viagra pill.. my tongue got hard.

I got a dog, a cocker spaniel.
He swallowed a Viagra pill.. now he's a pointer.

My wedding day, that was a beauty.
I went to put the ring on, she gave me the wrong finger.

I found out my wife is faking orgasms.. four of my friends told me.

Last week my wife told me we were going to have Olympic sex.
You know, once every 4 years.

With my wife, I gave up.
The other night, I told her, "You win, you're the boss.
When it comes to sex, it'll be in your hands."
She said, "You're wrong, it'll be in your hands."

My wife, she can't cook at all.
At my home, the roaches go out to eat.

I remember the last time my wife and I had sex, she did something wild.
She tied me to the bed, then she put her clothes on and went out.

With my wife you can't be nice.
When she was pregnant, I asked her if she wanted me in the room when she gave birth.
She said, "What for? You weren't in the room when I got pregnant."

My wife is no beauty. When we got married and I said, "I do."
The guy looked at me and said, "You do?"

The new issue of "Bride" magazine has an article titled, "10 Sexy Ways to Surprise Your New Husband on Your Wedding Night."
Tip #1: Bring a female friend.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth..
That she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

My wife was afraid of the dark..
Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.
The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations.. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Oscar De La Hoya says he goes without sex for 3 weeks before a fight.
That's just the opposite of married guys.
After a fight, we get no sex for 3 weeks.